The past couple have days have been the hardest in my life. I always thought that i had dealt with a lot and there was very little that could phase me. I have dealt with divorces, loosing family members, drug addicts, the list goes on and on. There were times where I thought, "Alright God enough is enough." But I always had the hope to move on.
This past week I was called the day before Easter and was told that a kid that I mentored had fallen in a rock climbing accident and had died. My reality was shaken to its core. I'm still trying to figure out why this was and is so much bigger then anything that I had dealt with before. I thank the Good Lord that the first Person that I saw was my mentor Stu. He pulled me into a side room and I just lost it. There was no care about how i looked or sounded, I was in absolute shock.
I first met Ryan Wahl when I was a senior in high school. He had started coming to our youth group. Right away there was something about him that I couldn't put my finger on, a JOY that was truly infectious. Now normally, freshmen and seniors didn't hang out much (not because they didn't like each other, more because of the lack of things in common) But I had had a senior invest in me when I was a freshman and I wanted to spread that. So I chose Ryan. I loved Ryan from the moment that we started to hang out. I still couldn't put my finger on why. I went and talked to Stu about it and he plany told me that Ryan was a 4 year younger version of myself... My first reaction was offense," What that is preposterous! Ryan is always telling me how bored he is at school and how... Oh. Well he's loud and obnoxious at church... Ok I get it." He was me I was all those things, It was a funny and humbling realization. From then on it was so much easier to take Ry out to do things and spend time with him. I would do things that I would want to do. Like me, he didn't want to to coffee houses and just sit around he wanted to go adventures and live. So i decided that we would go climbing instead of boring ourselves with forced conversations in a dimly lit coffee house.
Little did I know that when I introduced Ryan to rock climbing that would turn from something that we did to hang out and talk to something that he was obsessed with. I think he called or texted me 3 or 4 times a week to go climb. It cracked me up. I found it hard to mentor Ryan because within so many conversations I would forget who I was talking to and just be talking to a friend. At the time was frustrating but now I am so grateful for that. Our relationship grew and started to see Ryan as my little brother. But not the in the cliché sense, but if he where my blood. Things he did annoyed me, like a brother, I would call him out on stupid things he did, like a bother, and often times he would ignore me, like a brother. Since it was like looking at a younger version of myself, I wanted to make sure that he didn't have to go through struggles that I did at his age. I felt responsibility for him.
Every time we'd finish climbing we'd to to Sonic and get food and decompress life. I miss that.
I was always in shock with how much he would teach me while i was teaching him. Thats how I knew it was a good friendship, a good brotherhood. Neither of us were taking from one another without giving to one another.
Of course we would have lulls where we would see each other for a while when life got busy. But our relationship never regressed only grew, which I loved.
I sat completely overwhelm with all emotion, and I knew that my answer had to be yes when Stu, asks if I want to come with him to be with Ryan's family. I felt like the drive took forever, and was mostly in silence. I knew that Stu was just as upset about all it as I am.
We finally arrived. We could tell because there are news and fire trucks all over the place. Stu and I got out and find where Gale and Tom were and then just sat. We sat for hours in the back of an ambulance, Just waiting. I'm so grateful that I got to be there with the Tom and Gale as they brought Ryan down from where he fell. Time seemed to move so slowly.
We talked and remembered Ryan and all his quarks and fun. and even got in a couple of laughs here and here, which was refreshing due to the nature of our waiting.
The time finally came, a small group of us left to go meet the search and rescue crew that had Ry, up the road. I can't describe having to watch my friend, my brother's body carried down in front of me. Knowing that he was there but he wasn't really there. We where all numb.
( I do want to say how kind and comforting the rescue workers were. What a blessing.)
I feel like the next few days I was just out of control when it came to my emotions. I would be fine one minute and the I would need to to pull over to the side the road due my lack of visibility because of my tears. Preparing for the funeral was a task for all of us. And when the day came. I looked at Amye and Jen and just burted out, "I'm not ready for this." This has been a constant feeling since the accident.
Ryan's service was absolutely amazing! Never had a seen a funeral with so much hope and celebration.Ryan's casket was built by some of his work friends and every one had the chance to sign a message on it. It was brilliant.
I kept looking over at the family that I had spent some time with in the last couple days and was just in awe of there strength. One of Ryan's cousins spoke and put it in a way that overwhelmed me with JOY,"This was not Ryan's first death (He died and was reborn when he chose to follow Christ) But this was his second and last !" I feel like overwhelmed with JOY was an understatment! Ryan is dancing with Jesus, the HOLY ONE! Never again will he have to feel sorrow of pain! Never again will I have to worry about protecting him from those problems or struggles! He is FREE!! MY LITTLE BRO IS FREE! PRAISE THE LORD!
The only thing now that remains is my selfishness of wanting him here instead, missing him! I am slowly realizing that these feelings are not going to just be gone when I wake up tomorrow. I will probably miss Ryan for the rest of my life. But it is important to realize I will see him again! And I'll get dance and rejoice and feel no pain or longing with him and Jesus. SO EXCITING!
God, I loved that guy! His JOY and FUN spread like wildfire. And that was one fire you could not put out, even now! I am so grateful that I got the time I did with him.
I said before that this is a weird time for me. There are things that I know The Lord is telling me to do. I know there are people here that I feel called to invest in. And I plan and look forward to doing that. But I have also been giving an opportunity to go and study the Bible in England. I know that i am to do both. I am just torn and nervous/excited about doing it all! I know that is this is going to be a difficult season of growing and healing! So if you remember, pray for God's hand on this!
I am leaving Monday to fly to England, and start this Adventure of growing in the Word. I will be explaining the amazing things that God had done to make this happen in my future posts. So please stay tuned. I look forward to bringing glory to the Lord thru this blog and stare some awesome adventures. I hope you enjoy it!
*The Pictures are from Gales Blog:
http://tomakeitworththepain.blogspot.com/2012/04/blessed-be-his-name.html
Please read she's an amazing women!
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